


Long and lost

by Akiko_kitsune



Category: Gintama
Genre: After Silver Soul Arc, Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Emotional Violence, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I just came to drop some knives before Sorachi takes them away from me, I'm sorry if I made Gintoki sound like the worst guy in the world, Inspired by Florence + the Machine, Let me try it, M/M, Memories, Redemption, Suicide Attempt, Takasugi is a good boy, There kind of is a blurry sex scene in it with top Utsuro, True Love, Unreliable Narrator, Utsuro POV, possible ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-03-07 11:32:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18872347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_kitsune/pseuds/Akiko_kitsune
Summary: "Without your love I'll beSo long and lost, are you missing me(...)Is it too late to come on homeCan the city forgive, I hear its sad song"Wandering after the lost battle Utsuro meets dying Takasugi. He saves his life, but Shouyou's student has one wish: to go to Shouka Sonjuku.





	Long and lost

**Author's Note:**

> TW: there is a suicide attempt here, so please take care if it's a sensitive issue for you.
> 
> I know it's probably very naive of me to think of this kind of story, but I wanted to try writing Utsuro kind of redemption arc. Well, no one stopped me. Also, I took Utsuro from the end of Silver Soul Arc, so it was a particular moment in his life, near his breaking point, so his behaviour in my fic is different than it usually is in canon.
> 
> If you like/want to know Florence and the Machine songs, go listen to the Odyssey or any song from it, cause lately it really reminded me of Shouyou/Utsuro plotline.
> 
> Also, I wouldn't sit down to writing it if not amazing art by SorrowfulEterne: https://twitter.com/SorrowfulEterne/status/1119595869664202754
> 
>  
> 
> [edit] I think about taking down this story, cause some things keep bothering me

It was the end of the world. Although, as the calamities tend to, it didn't go as Utsuro planned. He stayed alone. Around trembling losing its life bodies.

Again in the middle of a self-made nightmare.

When would it end? How could he wake himself up? He tried all the solutions that were coming to his mind.

He walked past the corpses. When he saw any movement, his body reacted on its own, knowing too well what to do. His hands were dripping blood, in his ears echoed the sound of crushed bones.

Maybe he was a god of death. Bringing the end to all the beings apart from himself.

He stopped over one body. The man was dying. The only eye what was left open could no longer focus on anything, but his body couldn't stop fighting. Foolish creature. Although, what else could he expect from Shouyou student?

Utsuro couldn't force his body to hurt him. At least not to blow the fatal hit. He kneeled over the man. He looked at him for long before he made his mind.

"Old habits die hard..." he murmured. He cut his forearm and let his blood dripped to the wound of the fallen soldier. "Continue to live and hate me."

"How could I ever hate you?" he heard a weak voice.

Maybe Utsuro should know better than to bring back this man. But had it any sense now? The strongest Shouyou's student wasn't enough to stop him. What the other one could do? No matter what his reputation was.

"That's why you were trying to avoid me?" Utsuro asked. He was sure that man, Takasugi Shinsuke, knew his identity for long, even though he never made a step to meet him. That would a jump into embrace of death, but that man was known from even more insane actions.

"And at the same time I ran towards you," Takasugi sighed. His body seemed to still hurt. But at least his eye cleared. Few more minutes and immortal blood would heal all his wounds.

Utsuro should leave. He knew that this man as all men would bring harm to him. But there was nowhere for him to go anymore. There was no plan, no reason. Only suffering and fear that were breaking into his mind.

So he stayed. He stood and watched as the man's breathing was coming back to normal. As he tried to move his fingers, his arms, his body again and tried to sit up. He didn't seem surprised. He knew what was happening to him. Of course. That could be expected from Takasugi Shinsuke.

"I failed to kill them,” he breathed out. Utsuro's gaze followed to the remnant of the crashed ship. So there were Tendoushuu. “They will be still after you."

"I can manage it."

"I don't doubt it. Just saying..." he looked back at Edo. "Did you...?"

"I ran away from them. Some things never change. I'm a coward when I face death."

Takasugi finally dared to stand up. He looked one more time at Edo, at the ship, at the remnants of the world he knew. “Do you want company?” he asked Utsuro returning his gaze to him. “I don’t have any better plans for the life you extended.”

Utsuro stood silent. Why would he let anyone follow him? But at the same time, he brought him back. Maybe he could make use of him somehow.

“Do we even have any better choice?” Takasugi kept talking. “After all we can either suffer in loneliness or -” he smirked. Utsuro had already learnt how dangerous this man was, how poisonous were his words, “- we can try to face this rotten world together.”

Utsuro sized him with his gaze. That man was insane. It wasn't unknown fact, it was rather like a first quality that was coming to people's mind when they thought of Takasugi Shinsuke. Though as Shouyou's student his reaction in these circumstances should be different. Or maybe...

“You’re not afraid of me,” Utsuro touched his neck.

Takasugi should be aware of what he meant. With one move Utsuro could kill him. Strangle him, break his neck, whatever he wanted to. The world taught him many ways to end someone's life. Quickly or - if he needed - painfully.

Utsuro took his hand away.

He could use this man. Or throw him away if he turned out useless. At this point, he didn't have any plan in particular.

“Is there anywhere you want to go?” Utsuro asked.

“I have a hideout a bit outside the city. It should have survived. Probably...”

“And then?”

“Shouka Sonjuku.”

These words were like a two-edged sword piercing their chests. It always reached where it hurt the most.

“Why?” Utsuro asked, but he could imagine some of Takasugi's possible motivations. Including returning there with his beloved master, even though his master was gone. And he would never come back. Never.

“I want to bury Oboro's ashes.”

“Why?”

“He was my older disciple. He was your student.”

“You've forgotten what he had done?” Utsuro's hand reached to Takasugi's face. The man kept standing still with his head high. Utsuro wondered how he would behave if he pushed his fingers between closed eyelids. Would he let him for that? Would he stood still like Oboro and let him for everything even if it brought harm?

No. He seemed pliant and obedient like Oboro, but he didn't lose a spark in his eye. If hurt, he would fight. If held, he would bite and scratch. He was one of the beasts Shouyou raised.

Utsuro didn't try to hurt him. There was no need for that. So his fingers only traced over the mutilated eye.

How could he wear it with such grace? Utsuro had seen many scars and wounds. There was no other person he could keep this kind of beauty, no matter what would be done to them.

“I haven't forgotten. I never forget anything,” Takasugi said steadily. “I weighed it. Took circumstances in the account.”

“In his place, you would act the same way?”

People were selfish. They used to forgive sins they were aware of committing themselves. And they tormented the ones they were denying having.

“I’m not sure. But I can understand what he could have felt,” his voice barely escaped his lips like these emotions he was talking about caught him once again and held his throat tight.

“Did you weight my actions as well?”

“I did.”

“And?”

“Do you see me picking up my sword?”

That was only a play. He was waiting for a better opportunity to attack him. At this moment throwing himself at the monster would only bring him death and suffering. But staying like that would cause it as well... In dangerous situations people were thinking irrationally, there was no way to tell what Takasugi was up to.

 

* * *

 

They headed where Takasugi wanted to go. If that was a trap... At this point, it stopped mattering to Utsuro. Go on, try again, try again.

Try again.

Nothing like that happens. This part of Takasugi's words seemed truthful.

The city was empty as all of its habitats were either evacuated or pulled into the fight in the centrum and killed. The more they strayed from the centrum, the less devastated their surroundings was becoming. The house he said about remained.

Takasugi walked straight after what he needed. He had no intention of staying here and probably he never stayed there for longer. The interior looked practical and impersonal. No one was living here for long. Was Takasugi used to living somewhere else? Or his life as a fugitive and most wanted criminal made each of the space he occupied like this?

He turned to one room. It seemed more personal but rarely used. No one seemed to dare to use their commander’s room, even if there was a needed for it.

Takasugi went to the wardrobe and took a set of clean clothing. Richly crafted colourful kimono filled with flowers and butterflies. There were some other similar to this one, some more worn off, some less. This one looked like it was kept only for special occasions.

He didn't stop there. He took one more plain. He gave it to Utsuro.

“You can use it if you want, ” he said nonchalantly.

It wasn't in as fair colour as Shouyou's, nor as grim as Utsuro's. But who he was at this point.

Takasugi took his jacket off. Slowly he peeled his bandages off. The skin under them was clean. His fingers traced over it again and again like his mind couldn't catch on what had actually happened to his body. Everything healed. But there was a price for it. The human body couldn't endure this state forever. At some point, it would start to get weaker, to wither, as their owner was aware of it happening, but could do nothing about it.

That might be useful. At least he could make a shield. Would Gintoki dare to hurt his friend? Since he wounded so seriously his beloved master, everything was possible. People were only beasts, always ready to bring suffering onto others.

After changing into colourful kimono, he folded his army clothes with solemnity. They were threaded and drenched in blood to the point where there was nothing that could be done with them, but it wasn’t about it. He was taking off and putting aside his pride as a warrior once again. Yet, he didn't want to throw it away. Maybe one day there would be a call to a fight again, maybe one day he got a chance to die with honour.

When he put clothes safely in the wardrobe, like he put the heavy burden off his shoulders, his moves became more relaxed. He moved to the small bathroom next to. He opened up water to try to refresh himself. Or maybe to try to wake himself out from this dream. It wasn't working. Maybe there was no way to wake up when they'd lost themselves so deep in their nightmares.

Utsuro dared to change his clothes. To bare his body. He checked in between his right hand a few times trying if it returned to full capacity. Everything seemed to heal. As always.

The kimono he was given nearly good length, maybe only slightly shorter than what he used to wear. Though that meant it was definitely too long for Takasugi. Whose clothes were in the commander's room...?

Human lives were too complicated.

When he got changed and left his torn kimono on the floor, he walked to Takasugi.

The man glanced at him but didn't mind his closeness at all. What a strange man.

Takasugi reached for a spare towel and wetted it a bit. Before Utsuro understood, he got closer and wiped his face of the dirt.

Why didn't he moved back immediately? Right. Probably because of Shouyou memories. He remembered well how he used to take care of this most stubborn disciple and, how sometimes, this disciple returned the favour wiping sweat and from his body or brushing his hair. Takasugi was so tiny back then, now he was a full-grown man, with worked muscles. Although he was still smaller and thinner than his counterparts. He nearly seemed vulnerable. And his hands, back then, they were always bruised from his stubborn-fueled sword practices. Now, they got used to the weight of his weapon. They'd become calloused and hard. How many wounds, how much pain did it took to forge them into this shape.

He grabbed Takasugi's hand to pulled him away.

He chose not to look too much into Shouyou's memories. It would only make him...

His gaze and Takasugi's met.

... _want to stay_...

How could he look at him in such a way?

He was lost, wary, watchful, but at the same time hopeful, at ease.

“We should keep going,” Utsuro said to escape.

Takasugi nodded.

 

* * *

 

There was one more reason why Utsuro rarely looked into Shouyou's memories. He could never understand them. How in this ocean of suffering, one of his selves found happiness, nearly peace...? It was taken away from him, of course, but the sole fact it did happen, seemed unreal. Like it was some dream he created from listening to other people stories. That couldn't have happened to him, that couldn't have been him.

Yet, right in front of him, he had someone who remembered him only like that. Someone who was also a part of that dream. Someone who was denying to wake up from it.

They chose some forest trail to avoid meeting anyone, Takasugi led, Utsuro had no idea even where. Really, they were going to Shouka Sonjuku? Was there even anything left?

Maybe Takasugi was leading him somewhere to kill him. That idea seemed nicer than to nice what they had lost in their lives.

“I keep waiting for you to kill me...” Utsuro somehow voiced his thoughts at one point.

“I told you, I’ve already weighed your actions.”

"And?"

“That wasn't my final verdict.”

“How couldn’t it be like that?”

“It isn't you who were bad, it was humanity.”

“Is it giving me the right to...” Utsuro's blade rest by the Takasugi's neck.

The man stopped. “If you wish to,” he sighed. And he stayed calm, even if Utsuro's blade started biting into his body. Slowly. Unforgiving. How could he stay calm in a situation like? Just a bare instinct should force him to move away.

Utsuro took his sword back.

He saw a slight tremble in Takasugi. In that they were similar, they both yearned for death, for whatever ending to their overflowing with the suffering and sins story.

“If only the world change, ” Takasugi spoke and looked back at him, such a sorrowful gaze, “so you could live freely in it, you wouldn’t push yourself to commit your sins.”

“Will the world ever change?”

“It will. Because you started changing it. You taught how people are equal and have rights for a decent life, how the only war worth fighting for is the one with ourselves, how not to half-ass everything,” Takasugi smiled saying the last words.

Utsuro knew about that. He knew all the Shouyou’s ideas. It was all wishful thinking.

“Your judgement is too generous.”

“It isn't. It's strict. It pushed me into killing so many men. I could do it with cold-blood, when they were unarmed, cause I remembered how much horrible things they've done. But I wouldn't raise my hand on you even in emotions.”

“Maybe you need to hear about my sins.”

“Everyone has some. I weight the good, to see if there is still any in someone.”

“You’ve seen anything good in me?” Utsuro asked. Before Takasugi spoke, he read his answer from the softness of his gaze. “That wasn’t me.”

Takasugi lowered his gaze. “You say my master is long gone. I'm afraid his student got lost somewhere too.”

“Then who you have become?”

“Only some feral beast that keeps destroying everything it touches.” He moved to keep walking. As if he could ever run away from what he had become.

“Said a man who forsook his life to save the world.”

Takasugi only glanced back at him. “I’m good at forsaking my life.”

They didn't talk much afterwards.

Utsuro kept following after no matter where he would be led. He watched closely Takasugi trying to grasp what that man was thinking, but all he got to notice was how he in stubbornness, he still didn't grow up from, was pushing his body against its limit. Did he want to walk to Shouka Sonjuku without taking any break, right after a battle where he practically lost his life? Even immortal blood could help him achieve it. His body started to give in.

When he finally surrendered and let himself to catch a break, he slept only for like a half an hour. It wasn't enough.

"You still need to rest," Utsuro threw, but why would he care what that man would do. If he wanted to run towards death from exhaustion, there was no one stopping him.

"I never slept anyways," Takasugi sighed and sat up. "Rarely. Mostly during the day. But never at night. I just couldn't."

"Why?"

"Nightmares. Thoughts. Memories. All that piled up and kept me awake... Or maybe I'm just not made to walk in the sunlight."

That weirdly sounded true. Under the moonlight, he looked even more beautiful than in daylight.

Utsuro heard there were flowers that opened only after dark. They were for nocturnal animals to enjoy. And maybe it was like this with Takasugi too. Such a beautiful, generous soul left in the dark for all degenerates. Why would the world let for something like that happen? Was it again some form of its cruelty? Cause the nocturnal animals had claws and fangs that brought harm. And there was no one in sight to save him.

Against the odd, as always in his life, he kept blooming. Bringing ease and light for all monsters hidden in the dark.

“Try to sleep again,” Utsuro said. There were so many different things he wanted to say, so many other things he wanted to do.

Why was he holding himself back? He was a monster. The worst that ever walk this earth. Nothing could save him even if he had a soul. There was nothing that could overweight all the sins he committed. So why?

Maybe there was in him holding him back, once again.

 

* * *

 

After Takasugi caught two more hours of sleep. They weren't as peaceful as the last ones. He shivered and mumbled through it, at one point screamed. When he woke up, he looked even more tired out than before.

"It's just a nightmare," he threw when he calmed down. He massages his temples.

If he said so...

"I always feel like dying during the nights like this," Takasugi spoke again. "But not this time... I wonder why..." He burst into broken laughter.

Utsuro didn't know either. Was it that cursed blood? But he saw how men were willing to sacrifice themselves despite having his blood that should force them to seek life. It had to be something else. Something that was easing all their pain just by sitting close like that in the middle of the night. How strange life was...

Takasugi leaned on the near tree and closed his eye. His breath calmed down, but it didn't seem shallow enough to indicated he was sleeping. Maybe in the middle of the nightmare, the dreams weren't coming anymore.

Who knew. Utsuro rarely dreamt. And if so, it was mostly some nightmarish gruesome combination of everything he saw. All he knew was suffering and human cruelty.

Takasugi hummed a melody. Softly, like he tried to sing the lullaby for himself.

Utsuro remembered it. He heard it first from Oboro. It used to be a lullaby his mother sang to him. That was the only time he ever mentioned the life he had before they'd met. Somehow this soothing melody stayed with Shouyou. He sometimes hummed it to his students when they had nightmares. He didn't know if he had a good voice to sing or not, he never tried to, but how could his voice be any good after so many screams that escaped his throat? So he only hummed the melody quietly almost only to himself as he caressed feverish foreheads and held frightened hands.

Takasugi had to overhear it. That was the first melody he learnt to play on shamisen. He was a talented boy. Picking everything whether it was fighting, music or literature so quickly.

Now the melody wasn't soothing at all. It brought out all the memories of the people Utsuro had left behind, lost, hurt. Even that woman who came up with this song probably faced death from his hands. He wasn't sure, but he couldn't deny it.

The longer you live, the more sins got attached to you. Utsuro was dragging behind so many sins, corpses and lies. No wonder he could no longer get anywhere in his life. The weight had become too big.

“What do you see when you look at me?” Utsuro asked.

Takasugi opened his eye. He didn't look at him like he saw a monster. It rather seemed like he could really see him. What he truly was... How? How could he seem to understand it better than Utsuro himself?

Takasugi was looking at him the same way in the past... At the beginning. This sharp gaze that would notice any mistake, any crack in his disguise. And he had noticed it. As Shouyou, he thought that was only his imagination since nothing changed between them. Now, Utsuro knew, even back then Takasugi did notice something about him. He noticed so much that he wasn't even surprised when all the dirt swam to the surface.

Takasugi didn't answer.

 

* * *

 

"Do you know where you are going?" Utsuro asked the other day.

"I do. I know how to find a way to Shouka Sonjuku from every place on Earth."

It seemed like an exaggeration. But what kind of man Shouyou was to make all his students unable to ever forget him or leave him behind after so many years. Without even letting them see anything about him.

No one would remember like that Utsuro or any other of their personalities. He did never mind it before. It was better to disappear without a trace, no one had to know what kind of monster he was. So why was it was infuriating every time Takasugi mention Shouyou?

Maybe it would be easier to disappear wholly, without knowing there was some part of him was useful and the others were faulty. That it wasn't only the world around that was pushing him down.

“What do you want?” Takasugi asked. As if his goal was so clear it didn't need any explanation. “Everyone desires something.”

“And you're turning the object of their desire into you.”

“Sometimes. It’s easier to use.”

Utsuro expected him to deny it, to lie. He never did what could be expected.

“I meant I can relate to not having anything to do anymore," Takasugi said only.

They were both lost causes.

 

* * *

 

This time at night Takasugi slept more peacefully. Utsuro sat by him and watched him for long. Why was he going with him? To where? Were they really going to reach Shouka Sonjuku? And what then?

Maybe it was the right time to end this farce.

Utsuro took his sword.

When the cold metal touched the skin of Takasugi's neck, his body reacted quickly trying to free itself. But when his eye understood what it was seeing, all the resistance broke down quickly.

“Would it even work?” he only asked.

“If I drain my blood away from your veins.”

“Oh.” And that was all the resistance from his side.

“You are not trying to fight?”

“No. I thought I would, that if I ever met you, I would crush you. As many times as it would take to get my master back. But I can't. Maybe I'm too weak for it. All I can and want to do is to stay by your side. Maybe I do see too much of _him_ in you. Maybe I keep thinking too much that if I ever raise my hand on you, I would hurt him... No, I'm not even thinking about that. I'm not even able to think about how to fight you. The irony, in the end, I failed my own expectations... Oh, you've expected me to lie," he teased when he noticed Utsuro's growing bewilderment.

Of course, he didn't foresee hearing something like that. He got used to people either fearing and hating him or blindly following him. Shouyou's students, including Oboro, he was aware of it, matched the first type, blaming him from taking their teacher from them. Takasugi fit neither of these categories. In his insanity, he didn't even feel like anything was taken away from him now.

“You're so fond of Shouyou?”

“I love _him_.”

Oh. Right. The boy grew up, his feelings matured, changed its names. Maybe that word was better describing his insanity. If only it wasn't turned towards something so not worth loving.

“Why?”

“Cause meeting him felt like my soul found its missing piece.”

Utsuro was so painfully aware that sentiment was returned. How Shouyou was always feeling that something was just on the right place when he was with this student. He never tried to name that feeling. And he would definitely never dare to call it love. He knew wasn't worth something like that. After all, he was also only a piece of this monstrous being that should only be erased from existing.

“He isn't much better than me," Utsuro spoke. "He slaughtered, manipulated, deceived people. He was nowhere near what you knew about him.”

“I know who he was. We all did. Some only forgot about it. I've never forgotten anything, even the smallest details, about him.”

“How did it come that you never feared him?” Utsuro forced himself to stay expressionless saying these words. Takasugi didn’t seem to lie. No. He watched him with the same gentle gaze as he always had when he was with Shouyou. There was something so soft and affectionate in his eye. And even if he looked so deeply into him, even if he knew enough to hate him, his gaze stayed as it had always been...

Utsuro was starting to lie to himself because of him. That gaze wasn’t meant for him. Of course. There was nothing good in this world for him. Shouyou was like one exception when after years of trying he reached something he could call happiness. That made them so different. That was why Shouyou felt so strange and foreign curled down in his body. He wasn’t a part of him. He was only something that was going to bring even more suffering to both of them. They should stray as far as they could from other people, not to trust them, to teach them, to grow to like them.

Maybe Shouyou was the one Utsuro feared the most. That was why he couldn’t let him resurface ever again.

“I wanted to change the world for him," Takasugi said. "So I could see him happy once again. And if the world wouldn’t change... If it stays rotting, then... Then I would stay in the darkness with _you_.”

Utsuro should have known better than to let Takasugi talk. This man knew how to touch things that were deeply hidden in him. And... Even the heart of stone, that was torn out of Utsuro’s chest so many times, could still beat sometimes, and it probably could still crush.

Utsuro put a sword away. He moved back from Takasugi. If he ever tried to kill him again, he should remember not to let him talk.

Something was cracking in him since the fight. He needed to get away. To run away. To run away from his own mind.

He waited until Takasugi fell asleep again and then he left.

 

* * *

 

Utsuro walked in cycles for the rest of the night. There was no road to chose. He could try to hide, he could try to find his oppressors and make them pay. All he wanted was to disappear. Only to lie down somewhere where no one could see and be forgotten. To blend in the ground and for the first time in his life sleep soundly. Let the flowers grow above him nurtured by his body. Maybe for the first time, his blood would bring anything good to this world. He still remembered vividly as Oboro died before his eyes. That was too much. Shouyou should have stand back then and they should have found sooner some means to end their existence. Before they had to face that they brought their curse on someone more. On someone who was just kind. And to face how this curse was making them grow cold and distant.

At least Oboro got to die after all. He even had someone to take care of his ashes. That felt so surreal. Would there anyone to take care of their remnants too after they ended their life?

Actually, it might be even the same person.

Utsuro stopped before a river. That was too little to take him away. But if he let his blood flew out of his veins and the river stream took it away from him…

Did he ever try something like this? Maybe he did. He tried too many ways he couldn’t even remember.

He cut his forearms. He let the blood drip. He forced it all to ran out of his veins. At some point, his body would surely protest, but maybe he managed to tire it out to the point when nothing can be undone.

He walked into the river. He let its water to embraced him. In the deepest point, it reached to his waist. He stood there feeling how his body was turning colder. He closed his eyes and fell behind. He let the water swallow him whole. To hide him. To make him disappear. To finally free him.

It was too little to end his life. But it was so calming, relieving. He was there alone. Almost safe. The only sound he heard was the water pulling him down. It was good.

The water got disrupted and he was pulled out.

“No, no, please no...” he heard muttered pleas. Takasugi. Couldn't he let him drown? If it worked, both of them would have fewer problems...

When they reached the shore, Utsuro regained all his strength and clearness of the mind. That filled him with rage. He pushed Takasugi down.

“Why?! Why have you pulled me out?” he roared. His grip on this thin shoulders was so tight he could feel as that cursed blood was rushing in to heal the growing bruises.

Takasugi didn’t answer. His gaze was even softer than at any other time. Even Shouyou did never get to see anything like that. No matter how many times they were spending long evening hours alone, talking and baring their heart to each other. So maybe that was a way Takasugi looked at him when he was sure no one else can notice it. Now he just stopped caring about it. He let all his feelings wide in the open like that was his indirect answer to Utsuro’s question.

“Never go away from me,” Takasugi whispered. “Please.” His hand reached to Utsuro’s cheek and caressed it. “Let me stay here…” He pulled him closer. So tender and natural were all his movements. Utsuro felt like he was back in that water. Softly tugged in between its arms, safe and relaxed, his ears filled with a soft murmur. Everything seemed to soften like someone had taken care of all sharp edges and treated with care every wound. It was like there was no world around. Everything melted. The only thing that existed was this water... And Utsuro wanted to drown in it.

Things like this weren’t for him. He was lying to himself again. For him was meant only suffering. Shouyou was the one who was seen and somehow loved so deeply even all these years when all the masks fell down and the ugly truth came out.

"He's not coming back to you,” Utsuro said. Maybe more to himself, cause Takasugi didn't seem to listen to him. “I've taken him from you. You should hate me. You should hate me the most from all the people in the world."

Takasugi only reached to him and caressing his cheeks brought him back. Like the water was pulling him back down and Utsuro somehow wasn’t fighting it off.

Takasugi didn't say anything more. It felt like this fragile moment of closeness was all he ever wanted. He seemed happy. So even Utsuro was losing grip on what was happening.

How surreal this moment felt.

"I'm never this close to people," Utsuro murmured. "It's strange."

"Body has its own memory."

"Then mine should know best not to get close to people."

"Maybe someone once tried to reteach it?"

"Why?"

"There are also pleasurable things about being close. Not every touch brings harm." And as to mark these words, he ran his hand through Utsuro's hair, then traced down the nape and along the spine. It felt pleasant.

"I could never understand his memories about you." Utsuro loosened his grip. He moved lower, let himself sink in this moment. "How could he let you that close? Why am I doing the same now?"

"Maybe I'm such a bad person?" Takasugi chuckled. "Misleading even the most cautious man?"

"Or you're so good for us," Utsuro smiled.

Takasugi opened his eyes wider. Did something happen? Did Utsuro's word sound strangely... Oh. He smiled. His muscles relaxed to the point when it was a natural reaction. Had he ever smiled before like this? He wasn't faking Shouyou's expression. It was his own.

Takasugi reached his hand and traced his fingers over Utsuro's expression.

“I love you,” he softly murmured.

"I'm not him."

"Maybe both of my eyes turn blind now." He pulled Utsuro closer.

Takasugi’s lips touched his. So tenderly... How in such a cruel world was existing something so tender? How someone so hurt, humiliated and scarred by this world, Takasugi’s story wasn’t the most pleasant one after all, how someone like him could still treat someone else like that? How the hands that were calloused from the sword and dripped in blood could be so delicate and bring so much ease touching Utsuro’s skin. He couldn’t comprehend it. He had heard and read about such tenderness, but he had never seen it. He had thought it to be some fantasy. And even if it existed, it was existing only in some far away sacred places untouched by human's cruelty and foolishness. Shouyou was trying to create such a paradise. If only he had known that this kind of paradise was right by his side watching closely all his moves.

Utsuro couldn't return such tenderness, he didn't know anything like this. He wasn't Shouyou. He was a knot of all fears and pain that were rotting under the image of the perfect man. In the world around him only existed pain and torture. He didn’t know anything else than that. When he tried to recreate, what he had just experienced, it didn't seem to work out. As his kisses turned more aggressive filled with woken up hunger for them, as he pressed Takasugi to the ground, unable to caress because of fear of losing him too quickly if he let him go for even a moment.

He didn't try to get away. Even when he was losing control of what was happening to him. When Utsuro's moved a bit back after longer kisses, Takasugi moved after him to make their lips meet once again. Softly. Before Utsuro pressed onto him.

Right, who needed to breathe, they were underwater, drowning in each other, like the rest of the world dissolved around them.

Takasugi was such a cunning man. But this time it didn't seem like he was going after anything. It was Utsuro who was trying to move these innocent affections to something more. To what? He wasn't sure. He had never experienced anything like this before. He had seen how people forced each other to bed with them. But there was no forcing in Takasugi’s moves. He acted more like a teasing butterfly. For some reason, he didn’t want to fly away and only kept touching here and there tenderly like catching a little break in his separate being. But it made him seem so fragile when compared to Utsuro's movement. Ones that were fueled by force, fear and woken up hunger. He was gripping too tightly onto him. It was only a bare matter of time until he would break under his touch.

“Don't stop,” Takasugi said seeing how his moves slowed down and became more cautious. “I’m pretty strong you know,” he chuckled. “You made me even stronger. Don’t worry to scratch me a bit. I won’t tear easily.”

Utsuro didn't stop. He did as he was told. Even if tears falling down Takasugi’s cheeks. As long as his arms stayed around him, as long as he wasn’t pushing him away, he stayed.

"You should hate me," Utsuro said afterwards.

"For taking _him_?” Takasugi murmured. “I should. But somehow I can't."

"I hate him. For having you."

“Jealous, huh?” Takasugi smirked turning to the side.

Utsuro only took his hand and reached it to Takasugi’s face. He gently stroked his cheek. At first, his hand only shivered over his skin, so unsure how to do it. But he knew well how to do it, he just never reached into these memories. He had already learnt some forms of affection. He just sealed it away, cause it was breaking his heart over and over looking at everything he had lost.

But had he lost anything? His world, his paradise was right here by his side like nothing had happened.

One day life would catch up to them. When they got out of these forest trails, they would have to face all the damage they had made. But maybe then they hearts would finally break to pieces so tiny that they wouldn't be able to feel anything anymore.

"If Gintoki comes after me, what will you do?"

"Fight for you. Not because whatever you tell me to. I want to fight for you. I committed my life to this cause. Only just now I've got to reach you."

 

* * *

 

Shouyou fought off his selves that wanted to kill off people, the vicious, the ragest, the cruellest and the cold-blooded selves. The only one he could fight off was Utsuro - the one that feared humans. He couldn't fight off his fear against people. He could only try to suppress it, to dull it. Until everything broke. Until he couldn't take it anymore. He became too afraid.

Utsuro wasn’t the only one who was afraid. Takasugi kept practising fighting. Especially when he was starting falling apart sometimes. He tried to swing his sword again and again, never pleased by it. It wasn't enough.

"I'm too weak. I'm always too weak," he kept muttering when his body was starting to resist him.

After that morning at the river, Utsuro was daring to approach him in moments like this. He was taking his sword from his hand. Takasugi was letting him do it without resisting. Good boy. Utsuro caressed his cheek. He tried to ease these worries from his shoulders, to take at least a part of this burden. At some point, he even dared to speak trying to reach him: "Maybe you don't have to be strong..."

Maybe that was why this world was so rotten. Everything was always about strength, power and fight. How much potential and beauty had been lost because of this? How much of that sensitive talented boy survived when everything around was become hurt, cold, degraded, learn how to ruthless and cunning? Forged into something that supposedly should be stronger, but keep breaking with each move.

Utsuro couldn't undo the damage that had been made. He couldn't even give what the boy wanted the most. So he only to ease his mind. To create that illusion of the perfect world where the fear didn't exist. He tried to repay him for giving him the paradise and showering his soul in salvation.

 

* * *

 

Utsuro noticed Takasugi was starting to take wrong paths only to make them wander longer thought that never-ending forest. They were also taking more and longer breaks during days and after the nights spend in each other embraces it was getting harder to get up. They both didn't want this journey to end. The life taught them there was no soft ending meant for them.

During one of the stops, two butterflies danced around Takasugi's hand. He moved his palm and watched them.

Something is going to turn out bad. There had to be some disaster in the air. That was his life worked. It was never as peaceful. As calming.

Utsuro moved closer and kissed him. So tenderly that the butterflies sitting on Takasugi's forearm didn't even flicker. He learnt how to do that. How to return this tenderness. But it was rather only an effect of what was happening to him. Something was changing. Takasugi was also noticing that. Maybe as Shouyou couldn't hide from him his darkness, Utsuro wasn't able to hide this.

"Seems I'm the one that can bring you down." Takasugi's hand run through Utsuro's hair and tightened on them for a moment. "Not Gintoki, not some yet, no. Only one tearable, pitiful human was needed."

"That's what you took out from this whole story?"

"What's the real moral then?" His hands let go and moved to the beloved heat of Utsuro's skin.

Takasugi really had the power to crush him. He just would never use it.

"That the humans are scary." Utsuro's hand brushed over Takasugi's cheek. "Even scarier than I thought."

"Cause we are capable of destroying everything?"

"There is nothing that you could not break."

"That's what you are scared of? You're scared of being vulnerable?"

“Scared of what you are doing now with me.”

“Am I doing anything?” Takasugi chuckled, but he moved back a bit.

He did a lot since they'd met. He was this kind of person which each movement, each word, each gaze had a lot of meaning.

"I'm always so selfish," Takasugi murmured to himself.

"Why?"

"Even if I would give everything to undo what happened to you... Sometimes I'm glad this life lead you to me... Maybe you spoiled me too much." He moved closer to kiss him. Lightly, teasing, only to move back again.

Utsuro took Takasugi under his tights and pulled him closer onto his lap. "Be selfish."

_Give all that suffering a meaning._

 

* * *

 

Utsuro started understanding what he was feeling since the battle. He was sinking. He looked deeper into himself, slowly got lost and something else was resurfacing. That was yet another face of fear he got to know. It wasn't as overwhelming or heavy as the ones he used to know. It was only some type of restlessness always on his shoulders, only a second thought that something was happening, but it was the most hopeless he had ever felt. He could only make his peace with it and sink.

"What's wrong?" Takasugi was sometimes asking noticing how deep in thought Utsuro was sometimes drowning.

And once Utsuro answered: “I'm only a mere piece of him. I’m already dissolving into the bigger picture.”

Like it was just a jigsaw puzzle. He was the one last piece of the person Shouyou was. The forgotten lost piece. When he was held separate, he constituted some distinct being. Now he was found. His part was put back on its place. Slowly blending in. Soon there wouldn’t be any trace left after him. Maybe if one day someone broke the puzzle, he would return to being his separate self.

“It doesn't matter." Takasugi took his face in his hands. "I fell in love with each of the pieces of you and I'll continue loving them one by one. And I will love you whole.”

“You're trying to make me melt sooner?”

“I want you back. The whole _you_. The real _you_.”

“What if there is nothing worth seeing?”

“So far, each piece I saw where the most beautiful ones. So beautiful, they would make any image worth seeing.”

Utsuro kissed him.

Never let Takasugi talk.

 

* * *

 

One day they reached Shouka Sonjuku. The ruins of it. There was so much pain accumulated in this place. There everything started. In a good and bad sense.

Takasugi was strangely quiet from the moment he started recognising the area. Utsuro didn’t mind it. Shouyou’s memories were awfully loud here.

Soon Takasugi’s behaviour explained itself. He was mourning. He was mourning the first disciple. As he walked to the school with his ashes and dug a grave for him. As he buried and marked the place. As he prayed, for the first time in his life, for that one soul to get to rest. Or maybe for all the souls. Maybe he mourned all of them. All the students and their teacher as they were all gone at this point.

“What now?” Utsuro asked when Takasugi couldn’t bring himself to move away from the grave.

“Tendoushuu. I'll make them pay for what they have done to you.”

“It won’t be easy.”

“Even if I’m going to be a mere branch to fuel the pyres for your enemies, that is what I’m willing to do."

 

* * *

 

But there was one more fight hanging in the air.

Gintoki.

He found them. He knew where to look. Even if it was making his heart bleed out. And when he reached Shouka Sonjuku, he wasn't surprised he saw there both of them. No, it wasn't surprising. It was only his deepest nightmare coming to life.

Takasugi kept his word and as Gintoki showed up, he took up his sword to point it to his friend.

"You know you'll walk only over me?"

"I know." Gintoki tried to sound though. Like he was a great hero facing the main villains of his story. But his hands trembled. He swallowed hard. His thoughts were shattered. He was so lost.

"We don't have to fight," Takasugi spoke.

"Really? Gonna be on my side?"

"No. Let us leave."

"He will..."

"No. I'll stop him," Takasugi barely kept his voice steady here. It was insane. He had no real chance of stopping Utsuro from doing anything.

Gintoki didn’t seem to be in the mood for jokes to turn these words into anything else. He only came closer with a solemn expression. He took out his sword.

“You want to fight? Okay.” Takasugi took his own sword and pierced himself with it. He smirked. "See? I'm a monster. It shouldn't be hard to fight with me for you."

Gintoki closed his eyes for a moment, as if to calm himself, and opened them again. He walked closer, he didn't back off. He went too far to even go back. The only way his eyes were seeing was the one before him.

Gintoki attacked first. Takasugi spared it. And if each time their swords met the fight was getting more and more savage. How awful it was to get to see how their childish brawls had turned into this. They were like two mad dogs jumping to each other’s throats.

Takasugi had no chance of winning it. Not when Gintoki was so determined. Utsuro couldn’t stand and just watch the fight. There was no way he could end this fight by joining it. He needed to use a trick.

Gintoki noticed something was wrong. That some Takasugi's moves were a bit off. He knew by heart his fighting style, he couldn’t be fooled. He glanced at Utsuro. He was aware of his trick. It only made his expression turned colder.

That was the gaze Utsuro deserved.

Takasugi also noticed something was wrong. How his body was resisting against him. He tried not to pay it any mind at the beginning of the fight, but it was growing worse. He moved back. Gintoki didn’t follow him. After a few breaths, Takasugi wanted to come back to the fight. He still had something to fight for. He still needed to fight.

He could no longer move.

Takasugi snapped. He screamed. He tried to move again, but his body resisted. He looked at Utsuro and growled. “How did you dare to...?”

Utsuro freed him. Was that what it would take to turn Takasugi against him? Was that what was going to bring hate and harm from the one person that was so tender?

Or maybe that what it took to wake them up from this fantasy they let themselves drown in? It would never work after all. Utsuro was a monster that should be erased from existing. Shouyou’s students were the ones that would end his suffering. He taught them to be human, to be able to bring the end to him. He knew that from the beginning. Only they needed to come to accept it.

How much misleading his first impression was.

Utsuro started to notice there was no rage deep in Takasugi’s eye. There was fear, hopelessness, frustration. But there was no anger. It didn’t seem like that. And it wasn't aimed in Utsuro only. He glanced at Gintoki also.

“Why?! Why are you both like this?! I'm not going to stay this time and watch as I lose you both! I'm not going through that anymore!” Tears ran through his cheeks. “No…” Voice choked in his throat.

As he foretold, again, it turned out he was too weak to protect the ones that were the most important to him.

Takasugi could move now freely, but his own thoughts and self-loathing bid him to the place he only curled down to the ground. There was nothing that could be done. No matter how hard would he fight, how hard would he struggle, how loud would he scream, how loud would he cry, how much would he beg.

“Stop it,” his voice broke down. “Please…”

The world was such a cruel place. To make them relive again and again their most traumatic experience.

Gintoki couldn't move. He remembered how it turned out the last time when he tried not to listen to these screams. He surely remembered the pain it created that made this most righteous choice seem wrong.

“What the hell...” he sighed. “Takasugi...”

“I know!”

The silence fell upon them.

They weren’t able to fight. None of them.

“I know,” he repeated and looked Utsuro so brokenly.

To this moment he had never wished in his life to be Shouyou. To this moment. As he was watching two lost students that desperately needed their master. All he could give them was only a monster they could kill. But could they? Kill someone with the same face, voice, body as their master.

Utsuro went closer to them. Gintoki tightened grip on his sword. Why wouldn’t he? The monster was getting closer to him. Even if he disarmed himself walking their way, he was still too dangerous to be trusted.

Utsuro fell on his knees before Gintoki.

“Do what you want. Kill me. Imprison me. Punish me. I won’t be resisting.”

He bowed his head down and waited. He could almost hear how Takasugi surely muttered again the pleas like when he pulled him back from the river. This time it wasn’t like this. He didn’t close his eyes to disappear, he didn’t try to let go cause it was all getting too painful. He couldn’t stay back and watched their suffering. So he took the step and faced his worst fears. Be killed, imprisoned, harmed. Maybe he would lose himself and his mind again in the process. But if that was going to bring at least a bit of ease to anyone...

Oh... So that was what _he_ had been thinking back then...

Gintoki lowered his sword. He looked above him. At Takasugi probably.

“And what do you want me to do with him, huh?”

“Leave him. Just like that.” How much strength it took not to make these words sound like begging.

“And play tag with him again trying to catch him before he tries to destroy our world again?”

“If it was Shouyou, would you let him stay?” Takasugi moved closer a bit.

“That has nothing to do with it. He is never going to come back.”

“Yeah, it’s so much easier to fight if you dehumanize your enemy. But it isn't the war anymore. You know that if you harm him ever again, you will have to live with knowing that. And how easy it was so far to endure?"

“Don’t,” Gintoki growled.

“Cause that’s what you are going to do. Let’s call someone a monster, a threat. So it won't be strange what you have done out of fear.”

“And since when you’re the most merciful, honourable between all men?” He moved a bit closer to the person that used to be his friend.

“Since when you got so fucking blind?”

“I’m blind?" Gintoki went straight to him, forgetting about the enemy waiting for his verdict. "Look at yourself! See what the fuck you are doing. From the very beginning. You won’t bring the dead, no matter how much you may want that!”

"He is not dead."

"But he is gone."

They were both right. They were both mistaken. Takasugi was blinded by love to their master and could never let him go. Gintoki was blinded by the love he fell towards his new found family, so he threw himself into chasing after the one thing that could bring harm to them. How could _love_ misguide them so much?

But maybe _he_ was the one the most misguided by it as he raised and closer to them. Over the heated argument, they barely noticed him, so he got close to them. He dumped their head. Lightly.

“When it comes to a fight,” his voiced quicked, “both parties are at fault.”

They stared at him bewildered. Gintoki's sword clanged hitting the ground. He gripped his not so long ago enemy by his clothing, but instead bringing harm, he only clenched his hands tighter and curled his head down getting closer. Letting himself learned in him. Shinsuke needed a second more. It was harder for him to believe in it. Not because it was that unexpected, at least for him after all this time they'd spent, but because good things never tent to happen. It had to be only a dream. An illusion, hallucination. But would these thoughts stop him? He moved closer and drown in him, his whole body going liquid, relaxing for the first time this day.

They both seemed so small. He could easily put them in his sleeves and took them away with him.

Right, they wouldn’t kill him. Even if he sometimes thought that was what he taught them. He didn’t. He didn’t have the heart to do that. In reality, he could see Gintoki was going to grow up strong enough to match him, Shinsuke intelligent enough to outsmart him, Kotarou noble enough to stand against him. So he could be calm about what the future may bring them. They were still wandering looking for their paths, but if any of them got lost, the others would guide them back to righteousness. But it turned out to be so hard to believe anyone would try to help _him_ return if he went dark. That anyone would reach into this deep, dark emptiness and pulled him back if he fell down in it.

He didn’t believe he was worth saving.

But now there were two pair of hands clenched on his clothing, not letting him fall ever again. He was saved and loved, pulled back into the light.

Maybe he did manage to create a paradise. The miracles were happening. The greatest sinner had been forgiven and let back in.

He embraced both boys tightly. He missed them so much. His exceptional students. How could he ever doubt in them? They would really change the world. Make this cold, cruel place warm and filled with love. Lighten the darkest places.

It was okay to get lost a bit along the way. For them, and for their teacher. Now, since they'd returned to the beginning, they could start it all again and choose better paths this time. Ones that would not lead them so far from each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Am I throwing more or less emotional knives than Sorachi?
> 
> If you liked any of it, comment or reach me out on Twitter @AkikoKitsune. I was writing this fic in some higher state of mind, so there is probably a lot of mistakes and plotholes, so criticism is also welcomed.


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